Reset

I spent a beautiful day on the river yesterday doing a 10-mile kayak trip. My sister surprised my family with a last minute visit home before starting her new job in Chicago next week.  She was looking to do something fun during her visit and I had wanted to revisit the Delaware Water Gap for a full-day of kayaking. My sister was totally game so we packed a cooler with cold water and snacks and hit the road early.

The barn is semi-ish on the way to the Delaware Water Gap so I made the detour to visit Quest first. She was standing under the barn shelter with two other mare friends. She got kisses, a nice thorough grooming, and breakfast. I think she only really cared about the last part…

I doctored any bug bites, pasture scrapes and with one final affectionate forehead rub, sent her back into pasture where she happily rejoined her friends.

My sister and I continued on west towards PA and soon hit the water. We took our time and paced ourselves accordingly and docked on shore only once for a lunch break before pushing off and continuing the rest of our journey.

It was really the perfect day to be out. The river was mercifully quiet and at times we were alone as far as the eye could see. The weather was balmy and the scenery was breathtaking as always. There were points along the river where the water was as smooth as glass and a complete mirror of the clouds and sky above. The scenery invited the quiet and stillness to mediate on the past few months.

Last Saturday the vet came out to do a follow-up ultrasound on Quest’s leg. It’s been about 90 days since initial injury and while things are healing, she hasn’t improved as much as the vet would have liked to see, especially after three full shockwave sessions. I do not for a moment regret spending the money on shockwave- it was worth every penny to give Quest the best chance at complete and faster healing- but I am disappointed that it wasn’t as helpful as had hoped.

So what’s next for us? Long story short…rest, rest, and more rest. We are going to back off the daily hand walking and allow her to rest in pasture for 30 days to let time to do its thing.

While Quest has her full month off, I’ve decided to take this opportunity to rest and recharge as well with a break from blogging and the blogosphere. This will be my first hiatus since starting the blog almost two years ago. I have really been needing this for a while and my reflections on the river yesterday have made me realize that if I don’t make my own rest a priority, I will never strike that fine balance if I don’t champion for it myself. 

If you’re curious to see what mareface and I are up to during this time, check us out on instagram.

Everything has a time and place, and this year is time for us to recharge, rest, and reset. See you in a month or so.

Degrees Removed

All quiet on the mareface front...which is always good news.

I went out to see Quest this past weekend and took my sweet time at the barn since everyone was gone at OD. The weather was gorgeous and actually cold enough to warrant a hoodie. Mareface was hanging out with the rest of the herd when I went to go fetch her from the field- the sight of her so relaxed and happy never fails to reassure me that I made the right choice to move her to 24/7 pasture turnout.

Quest got all groomed and pretty, slathered the bug bites with ointment. I spent extra time scratching her itchy ears and was awarded with the world's tiniest lower lip wiggle...Sigh, such a stoic. Then hand walk. Fortunately she wasn't super distracted this weekend. It made everyone's lives much easier and 15 minutes didn't feel like an eternity. And as per routine, a nice hand grazing session reward was had at the end.

It still does suck to be grounded and the weather now is almost too perfect. At least Quest doesn't seem to mind the time off.

Walkabout

Everything feels tediously slow...but Quest is doing better. She wasn't handling the stall rest well and while not ideal, the only other option was allowing her to rejoin her friends outside. The pasture turnout has done a world of good for her mentally and she has gained back most of the weight she lost last month.

And to my huge relief, mareface has been behaving and keeping all four feet on the ground during handwalks without any extra doping. The vet gave her an long-acting sedative with 3-4 week acting strength the first week in May during the follow up exam; she totally overrode the same sedative  in April when she was confined to "stall rest" though so fingers crossed it helps take whatever edge off to keep her calm and quiet for as long as possible.  

I also touched up Quest's feet for the first time in awhile. We haven't been on the trails in almost two months though meandering in pasture has kept them in decent shape for the most part so it was quick work. Second shockwave treatment will be happening later this week with vet follow up visit in about three weeks time when we conclude the third and final session. Fingers crossed that we hopefully get the okay to start walking undersaddle by then.

Let It Go

I got in three rides with Smokey this week already and it has done wonders for my mental health. I'm happier and I feel more energetic despite stepping up my activity level. During my last yoga class I started relaxing earlier in the session; it usually takes me close to the entire hour to finally let go of distractions that play around the edge of my mind.

Relaxing is as natural as breathing when I am with horses though. On my first night working with Smokey, A suggested that I lunge him first. When I turned him out in the dustbowl, someone decided that he’d rather stick right by me instead of taking off. Capitalizing on the moment, I decided to do a quick liberty session with w/t, whoa, and back up. There were some sticky moments but overall Smokey was so very good and mirrored my every move. Clever boy…He might not be my Quest, but he’s certainly sneaky sneaking his way into my heart already. We finished the night with a great w/t/c bareback ride hanging out in the arena with A and T. It was the happiest I had been in a long time.

I purchased a navy saddle pad just for Smokey’s use earlier in the week from someone on FB and it arrived yesterday just in time for me try out. The weather was gorgeous and the trails were beckoning so we headed out with T and Nickers for a quick jaunt.

It was our first time out together and Smokey did fine. He got quick at points but it was never bad, just excitement at being out of the ring and moving along. We did w/t/c and he responded nicely to my requests to half halts. Being on the trail again riding with friends did me a world of good. I had no idea that I missed it so much. I feel very fortunate that I was the first choice when A and D were looking for someone to pick up rides on Smokey. I’m not sure how long the arrangement will last but I’m going to enjoy every moment now.

Tomorrow is Quest day. I’ll go to the barn early morning to give her some loving and do our handwalk. I feel guilty that my work schedule and the distance prevents me from taking a more active role in her rehabilitation and spending more time with her during the week. This mindset is totally classic me though- trying to change things that are out of my control. I’ve always been tough on myself and I don’t think that’s going to ever really change but I can work on moving forward and focusing on what I can do.

While Quest's injury has set us back quite a bit from our initial goal, as a wise friend recently said me “…this will be over before you know it and you'll be on the other side. You'll look back on this and it'll just be a blip in your adventure with her.”

And you know what, I totally believe every word of that.

Setback

I wish this was a April Fool's joke. I really do. I've been sick to my stomach with worry for the past two days.

Quest was still not 100% after a couple days post-ride so I had the vet out to take a look and the news wasn’t good. Sore mid-body suspensory on her right front. Vet doesn't suspect a tear but he's put her on bute, anti-inflammatory meds, and a long acting tranq to keep her quiet when stalled. He'll be back out in a week to check. If there is no marked improvement, next is ultrasound to see what needs to be done.

I was at work when I found out. I barely managed to keep myself together....I felt like crying. I was hard on myself over the lameness at the ride and now this. I feel like I failed her.

We will know a lot more in a week's time but it's been so hard not to overthink this. My mind just dwells on the possibility our endurance career had ended before it barely even started. I started deleting things off my ride calendar last night and each time I took an event off, I felt the guilty heartbreak all over again.

This was not exactly the way I would have liked to start our first season but things happen. Only thing we can do now is make the best of the situation. With time and rest, the prognosis is positive and full recovery is possible. Mareface will have at least a full month off to recover and depending on how she is then, I’ll slowly leg her back up. I have no idea how long it will take.

I’ve been trying to process my thoughts in an orderly fashion but it has been hard. I’ve been a mental mess since Quest came up lame. Hardest part about this entire thing was that she felt and was SO good the whole time. If not for the sand, we would have easily been one of the top 10 scores. The only points we got deducted were from the lameness. I’m FAR from abandoning my goal to do endurance riding but honestly, it hasn’t been easy not to blame myself and my confidence in managing my horse appropriately has been shaken. J and B are great mentors and I appreciate all their help and diligence but no matter how you view it, at the end of the day, I’m the one responsible for making decisions for my horse and sometimes what works for others might not work for you.

I've been offered horses to catch ride so I'll still be riding this season though it probably be awhile before I am astride behind my favorite pair of black-tipped bay ears. I'm so heartbroken right now.